It’s embarrassing to think of how many pregnancy tests I have taken over the past two years. I always thought I would never be THAT girl. The one who gets her hopes up every month and after being one day late ends up taking a pregnancy test and then is crushed by the always present one line. How I wished and prayed for that second line on the test to appear.
My husband and I were married for 10 months when we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I figured it may take a little while, but I assumed after a few months surely we would be pregnant. After about 10 months of trying I spoke with my doctor and she recommended I take a medicine that would help the process. Two months later I was staring at two lines. The second line was extremely faint, but I was almost certain it was there. To be completely sure I drove straight to the grocery store and purchased the most expensive pregnancy test they had. I took the test to confirm that we were pregnant. After 10 months of praying, eating crazy healthy diets, taking a million ovulation tests, I was staring at a second line.
The next week and a half were complete and utter bliss. It was Christmas vacation and my husband and I took a road trip through the south, visiting different family members. It was a precious time I will never forget as we dared to dream about the little life growing inside of me. I immediately downloaded a pregnancy app that was informing me the size of our little one. We discussed names. We discussed whether or not I would continue to work. We discussed hospital versus birthing center pros and cons. But we told no one else about our baby.
I think several things were at play when it came to the decision to say nothing. First, it is encouraged to wait till 12 weeks due to the risk of miscarriage. Second, it was really special to have time as a couple where only we knew. Sadly, the day after Christmas, not even two weeks after I had found out I was pregnant, I started bleeding.
The process of miscarriage was one of the deepest and most painful losses I have ever experienced. Those months were dark and long. I continued to work of course and due to the fact that I had told no one I was pregnant, I felt uncomfortable telling anyone I had a miscarriage. We told a few people in our church, but I mostly remained silent. Then complications arose, leading to laparoscopic surgery which revealed an ectopic pregnancy. The entire process of miscarriage, from start to finish was 41 days. It was extremely painful and I wondered if I would ever recover physically or emotionally.
One of my regrets from this time is that we never were able to celebrate our baby’s life with out family and friends. I’ve wished so many times that we told people during Christmas our sweet news. I’m certain if we are ever given the chance, we will do it differently.
Fast forward 10 months and here we are again wondering why pregnancy seems so unlikely. The medicine that worked last year appears to not be working any longer. We are now faced with the decision to pursue more expensive fertility treatment or pursue adoption. Both have their own risks, and both are full of emotional and financial costs. I watch people get pregnant all around me, some who don’t even want to be pregnant. Yet for me, along with many other women, this seems like an impossible dream.
I write all these words to express my grief over the cards we seem to have been dealt. Yet, it is through these dark days that I have seen the truth of Scripture come alive in my heart. This year my church has been going through the book of Hebrews. Here are some of the truths I have clung to as I continually preach to myself that Jesus is greater than my grief over our miscarriage/infertility.
14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4: 14-16
How I needed to remember these words time and again that I can confidently draw near to Jesus.
19 Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25
In this season, my temptation has been to withdraw and tell no one what is going on in my heart. But because of the work of Jesus, I can draw near to him and also to his church. This blog is a means of me sharing this journey I am on. It is not easy for me to share, nor is it a journey that I would wish on anyone. But through it I am being refined and I hope am being made to look more like Jesus. Through this trial, my continual prayer is that I will never stop fighting for joy.
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. – Hebrews 12:1-2